Hey you ...
I hope all is well. In fact, I know all is well, as I’ve chosen you for being stellar, and it is my belief that you wouldn’t have stopped being stellar simply from withdrawing our presence from one another. The experiences we’ve shared were memorable, and that doesn’t exclude our decision to no longer share our experiences with one another, however that may have come about. I want you to know that I absolutely did love you, what I’ve felt was real ... as real as the disappointment of us being dissolved. Being more of who I am, and growing further in each moment, I feel compelled to let you know that even though I no longer love you, it doesn’t mean that I hate you.
Hate is too powerful of an angry, negative force to remember you. Even resentment has too much of a negative connotation regardless of what I’ve experienced in the waning moments of what was left of the goodness we’ve shared, and now ... there’s only an absence of goodness when I focus upon you. What we had was magical most certainly, and now, I don’t feel anything. The idea of “loving” someone then “not” has inspired me to go within to define what “not“ is. Again, I cannot agree with hatred, but seeing that I don’t feel anything, I’ve come to accept 'indifference' IS the feeling now.
While hate is an emotion that can be chosen, consciously or not, at minimum, I may be able to think about something and feel this. You see, when I think about you, I feel nothing, not mad, sad or even disgusted ... NOTHING is what i feel. I believe that this is far worse than hate to be honest, it’s as though you’ve never existed to me at all. There were times when my heart would jump within my chest at the mere thought of you, my pulse quickening, a smile formed. Even while striving, I’d feel something, but now ... the mentioning or slightest thought of you doesn’t earn an eye-roll, just a shoulder shrug and an abrupt change of conversation or focus.
I will readily admit, there was a time that I've thought of you as an angel ... but to be frank, a lot of iniquity happened that allowed me to accept your feelings toward me, to forgive myself, to forgive you, and to become better than where you’ve ever perceived me as. I mean, I’m stellar too, I’m certain you wouldn’t disagree, right? Why else would you have chosen me? I don’t hate the roots as they are required to keep the tree growing, and sometimes, to enable the tree to yield fruit, branches must be cut off ... and I believe that this symbolism parallel our relationship currently. The cutting off of limbs ... very symbolic indeed.
With love, you may know that I believe it is an "intense appreciation", not that it mean that we are familial, intimate or admirable. I’ve looked within and felt this to be very accurate in the varying degrees and forms that love may come in; I’m certain everyone would agree that love for their children isn’t romantic, that love for any family member is possibly more than platonic, and that love for a best friend doesn't mean impending marriage ... people have a way of muddying the definition of words, and I seek a valid and accurate description for what I feel and what I’ve felt for you. I definitely loved you - I appreciated you immensely - and I no longer do. That love has transformed into something else, and again, it is indifference. You are worse off than a stranger, as I can at least get excited from someone I do not know if someone told me some great news about THEM, but it would never be the same for you.
I’d secretly cheer your successes, as we are all worthy of goodness, but I would be lying if I were to say, “I look forward to speaking with you”, and that’s the very LEAST. In my younger years, I would feel immense pain, cursing outward at the cause of transgression only to accept that now ... I’ve co-created this new reality without you in it. I was happy before you and happy I am now. Would you wish anything less? It is my hope that you too are happy regardless of your answer.
As a young man, I would've cursed you, but as I become one with who I truly am, I cannot shift the blame of what I feel, it is me, and it doesn’t matter what you think on how I feel, I’ve made peace with everything and I do not need what people believe is closure. Divine law says, “that which is alike is drawn”, which means, in our growth, either we expand or our environment has to accommodate our expansion due to our focus. In other words, our coming together was meant to be as much as our dissolving, through choice from powerful beings nonetheless ... the accuracy! The momentum started with a thought and then physical expression followed as we’d focus upon what was and no longer is.
My time with you was enjoyable, until it no longer was, and so, I wish you many successes and an abundant life, but do not look for me. I am not where I was where you’ve left me, I am much more, and I’m confident you are the same, however, I will not chase you. You are a free and powerful being! Again, I don’t hate you, I feel nothing, and I hope that gives you peace. Even if it doesn't, it will not stop you from being the best YOU that you can be.
—
-J
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